i just decided to jump into this next semester of teaching with more of my old life- my personality, my support of friends back home (i had been on a facebook hiatus because i mainly used it to vent and that is no good), and also this blog. I love to write. journal, rather.
last semester was so hard I wonder and hope that nothing will ever be like it again. I feel a bit of a sense of dread, or weight at the very least, at the thought of going back. I am thankful that last year and summer were so good that I was nothing but pure excited to meet my kids. i realize by now i should recognize the feelings of fear, incompetency, and floundering that arise from being bad at your job, but for some reason I thought teaching would be different. I thought I would be innately good at it. and honestly, last year I was. I thought I was out of my league when I came here but after working very hard for the first semester (and then deciding to create very sure boundaries around my marriage and personal life), I had a great second semester. Not perfect- there were obstacles and hardships, the feeling of beating my head against a wall with admin and the broken system, but that was to be expected. I was good at my job, great at classroom management- I had so much fun, especially with my crazy third period class. I felt sure that though being a first year teacher would be hard, I was made for it. This last semester made me question that many times. I have not experienced in a long time the feeling of crippling fear and inadequacy that has plagued me off and on for the last two months.
But I don't want to dwell on that. In the midst of being extremely humbled and broken down, I can now say that I believe that I can't do anything on my own. If anything good happens with my kids in my class, it will be from God. If I can get through a day without losing my patience with them, and without letting them irritate me (because they just want to get to me sometimes), it is the hand of God. I cannot keep myself calm- I need the calm peace of God. I need, NEED the perspective that comes from soaking in the Truth of his Word, and the humility that comes from being on my face in prayer and admitting i have no good answers to the challenges I face.
I've been reading Ezra lately, and it is so encouraging- God can use anyone and anything to accomplish His purposes. He used Isaiah to prophesy 150 years ahead of time that His people would be freed from captivity. And He used two pagan kings who were the most powerful men of their time to not only allow those captives to go home, but to FORCE all others to help them with money under penalty of death. No one can stand in God's way. I need this reminder. Yes, I am small and helpless, in fact I often do more harm than good. But I am His workmanship, created for good works, and He will accomplish what concerns me.