Wednesday, March 5, 2014


tonight i went to an ash wednesday service. i mostly went because i felt obligated, but like most things that i think will be burdens, it ended up being exactly what my soul needed.

the worship. the drum-crashing, vibrato-voiced, intensely indy rock updated hymns that had a build and a fade crashed over me like waves in an ocean. my little white soul pines for rock based worship music here in dixie.

the dim lights. not a cell phone buzzed the entire time. ambiance is not everything, but it is something.

the familiar faces. so many close friends and dear people, whom three years ago i didn't know existed, and now can't imagine life without.


repentance. i almost think i just need an ash wednesday service every week. more than a sunday service. i was in the right place for it- already overwhelmed by my mouth's ability to pierce and sting, my mind's stumbling behind,  always too late to stop the words from spilling over.

the Truth. in song, in word, in embraces and tears.

old wounds that never seem to heal. that sounds cryptic. one pastor mentioned trials, and as an example, miscarriages. most days i hear that word and nod silently and move on. tonight it ripped me apart. someone is Home ahead of us. i couldn't help wondering if God mercifully saved him or her from the pain of my words and flaws, but i know He is just merciful, and that we all sin more than we know. five years is a long time, and yet i ached to hear all the cries and hushed questions of tiny ones all around me. i don't usually think things like this, which probably made it all the more painful. five years of being with a Savior. i envied my child, sinless and in glory already. and in a flash of this short life, i will be there too. that's who i am most anxious to meet.

i have not cried like that in a while. it was so freeing. tears rolling down my cheeks and a huge sigh breathed. 

the hope. flesh is time-bound and of the earth. my name means earth and it is fitting and also a constant reminder that my weakness is only for here. 

the slowness. it takes a long time to get hundreds of people in lines through a communion spread. there is no hurrying. most of my life i try to hurry. you just sing or listen to the music or watch the people near you. and step. and step. and step.

No comments:

Post a Comment