Monday, October 4, 2010

Little Orange Slices

Friday at work, my coworker Clint asked me, 'do you want to be working here for awhile?'
'well, no. but I can't seem to find another job'
'can't find what you're looking for.'
'cause you seem like you should be doing something really important with your life.'
'thanks. you mean making frappuccinos isn't really important?'
'yeah well. You are really smart with all your degrees and stuff. it seems like you should be doing something better.'
'i only have one degree. you seem like you should be doing something better too.'
then the conversation digressed into a running joke of him becoming a woman so he could make crazy tips as a female bartender.

I thought that was nice, and encouraging, but it made me sad too. I am so happy about seeing God work in recent events, big and little. Still, as I left work, it made me think about things that aren't going as I planned or thought they would, including Spencer's music and my job situation. I think I am getting better at looking Up and at Eternal Things, but sometimes it is hard not to look around and get down. So I came home and later read psalm 37, which was really good. Verses 3-5 specifically. 

I don't think eveyrthing I ever want, God is going to hand me one day, if I just 'believe.' I think a lot of it has to do with probably me changing and finding the things I want are some of the things I already have. But I also thought of Crazy Love and how he asks "What in your life would be total failure if God didn't come through?'" and I thought, "Well, pretty much all of it." Because otherwise, what is working at starbucks with a college degree? and why did spencer put all his time and effort and heart into making an album? and why are we spending our best years, when we could be pursuing so many things, here in a place we don't particularly like, but because we know there are people to minister to here and we want God to move us, not us to move us.'

(I didn't think that coherently in my head at the time, that just came through writing it out.)

I thought about how lately it seems like God is giving us/me these things to keep me going, like an orange slice at mile 9 of my half marathon, when your legs are starting to really ache and your shorts are chafing and you think, "Why am I doing this?'" The cello getting sold was one slice. The rain today was another.  Hanging out with Kristiana yesterday, where we found out how we're pretty much on the same page with life and God and it's amazing and totally not where we ever thought we'd be. 

Then I went to take a nap and awoke to the sound of rain on the window. Another orange slice. Another mile. It can't go on forever and when I'm done and look back, I won't say "Oh, it was easy" or "It went by so fast," because it didn't. It was fricking hard. So hard. But I believe I will be different from running and not giving up, and that there will be rewards that come much later that never would be if it weren't for making these choices now.

*photo from

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