been a minute

it is almost 2019.

i don't even know what to write about the past five years.

i just wanted a space to write out some thoughts and new year's resolutions.

what i want my grandchildren to say about me:

"she always had time for us."

"she knew the Bible soooooo well. it was crazy how many verses and psalms and passages she knew by heart."

"she respected and adored our grandpa so much. they loved being together as much as possible."

"she was always willing to help."

"she never complained."

"she prayed all the time. if she said 'i'll pray for you', she meant it and she would follow up. tons of people asked her to pray for them."

"she laughed a LOT, especially at herself."

"she was a great listener."

"she was an awesome cook and loved to feed people. people were always coming over to her house or she was taking someone a meal."



man. I don't think any of those things except maybe cooking are true. I am grateful for this season of life home with two babies because so many things i used to spend a ton of time and effort on (work=other peoples' kids, working out, tons of friendships and activities) now are not important to me. and things like values and character and what kind of people ev and deya will be are so vitally important to me. i am thankful for how slow and spacious and unseen this life is. yes, it can be lonely, but the hardest things are not loneliness, because i get such a kick out of everett and deya is so cute- i don't care if i share them or not. also, i don't have close friends here in denver like i did in memphis or california so i'm not trying to 'balance' anything. i love spending time with spencer and deya and ev and wish we somehow had an income without spencer having to work so we could spend more time together.

that said, i do think some things could change for the better. i spend too much time on pointless social media. i don't want to be someone who goes back and forth with the 'taking a break' thing, but it's so easy to waste time looking for something on a swap website or tickets or info to an event. i think i need some sort of block of time or guideline like 'no phone when the kids are awake or when it's me and spencer time.' but then that leaves naptime and I really want to read actual books or workout then.

we will try that for now. plus, eventually when my sleep gets better, wake up early again to read my bible. i need a way to help me consistently memorize the word. i need a world without apps though.
and pray. i do have a prayer app that is good, and i used to use it when feeding deya but now she pays attention to it.

there we go. i need to go feed schme face now that she has cried for an hour. she does not take good afternoon naps but she is sleeping through the night for 3 weeks now. we will see what letting her cry does for a few days because today i went in to calm her and she just cried while i held her so im gonna go with sleep training and she will hopefully get into it ok after a week.