Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Pause to Consider

"to Begin an endeavour is part of its battle, and nurturing passion in it, is the rest."

I liked this quote so much that I stole it. OK, not stole. I will pass it along. It is from a person I have always greatly admired more than any other, and without interruption, for nearly ten years.

It seems to express exactly how I feel about etsy and freesparrow and this whole new life I am desperately trying to create for myself.

Often, I have so many ideas crowding my brain that my actions become scattered, disjointed, as I run around pulling scraps of fabric from boxes and pinning things or making never-ending to-do lists. It drives my mother crazy. She is a perfect balance to me in this business endeavor. Our combination of personalities and skills actually could not be more precisely suited for this whole thing, but of course I did not know that when starting. I just knew she knew how to sew and I needed that to make this work. That is how the best things in life are, I think. Perfect, but more perfect than you could have imagined or hoped or even rationalized. Yes, you may know something is a good idea, marrying the person you love more than anyone, but you cannot foresee just how exactly carved out you are to fit with that person's needs and talents until you really get in there awhile. I have only been married two little years, but already I see this, and I have a suspicion what I know now will pale in comparison with what I will know as a married woman of ten, thirty or (God willing) fifty years.

My friend Molly and I used to play this game when we were young, in which we would pose a question to ourselves, but three years ahead of where we then were (fourteen). We would also give advice to the eleven-year-old versions of ourselves. I don't remember what our sage wisdom consisted of at that point, but I am almost positive our curiosity revolved around boys or college. With me and molly, probably college.

I kept on playing this game with myself over the years- seventeen as I looked forward to going off on my own, escaping the desert (ha), at twenty, as I rambled around Praha and learned who I really was, at twenty three as the anticipation and apprehension of marriage and a whole new life loomed in front of me...

And now? I am twenty six. I work at starbucks part time. I am always wanting to go back to school for something, always wanting to escape the desert (again) and always thankful for the people around me who keep me grounded. I suppose if I had advice for myself, it would be to be content. Something I always struggle with. And if I could ask something of twenty nine year old me, perched on the edge of a new decade, a real grown up, I guess it would be "Am I happy with the choices I made now?" Do I see how God worked everything together in perfect timing? Have I learned to be content? Is Spencer a rock star yet? Because I know that he will be someday.

I can never not wonder at what the future holds. But I feel every year more and more certain that things are working out and that I will look back, however well-planned I may think my life is, and know that it was so much more than I ever imagined in my head.

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